Ever wonder why your child keeps coming back and checking on you when he/she is playing or doing activities in pre-school? Are you starting to wonder if your child is afraid of something, or just being clingy? This post will help you understand what this behavior means and how to navigate this phase with your child.
Watching the
emotional and psychological development of a child is fascinating and
terrifying at the same time! It can be difficult to know what to expect as your
child is growing and adjusting to new social environments. Psychologists have
studied intriguing developmental phases in childhood and have attempted to
capture what these phases mean for the child. One such theorist is Margaret
Mahler.
According to
Mahler’s theory of child development, an infant goes through stages of
separation and individuation from the primary caregiver. As an infant, the
child is attached to the primary caregiver, which is the basis of love, security
and attachment. As the child grows from an infant to toddler, many small phases
occur in which he/she is trying to find his/her independence and exploring
things, but at the same time is worried of losing his/her attachment figure.
This may manifest in behaviors like clinging and sometimes running away from
you to explore novel things in the environment.
Children at this
stage don’t quite understand that if you are not around them, you still exist.
This idea may seem strange, but according to research, children below 2 years
of age do not have the concept of ‘object constancy’ (that’s why peek-a-boo is
such a magical and fun game for them!).
Instead they fear
that if they don’t see you, you have vanished and may never come back. This
results in your child constantly coming back and checking on you when they are
doing their activities in pre-school or enjoying playtime in the parks. This
checking back behavior is assuring them that if they go far and get scared,
they know you will still be there for them. You are your child’s secure base. Gradually,
they will be able to hold that feeling of trust and security, and internalize
it so that they don’t have to check on you to be there anymore.
This behavior is
important and even necessary for the growth of your child’s sense of security
and attachment to you. This helps the child to feel more secure of themselves
in the outside world. Although this process is natural to child development,
parents can often feel helpless, frustrated, and scared at this time,
especially when your child is in pre-school and settling into a new routine.
So here are some helpful tips to remember
and practice:
1. Relax and breathe: Your child
will separate from you when he/she is ready. This phase is important for the
child to gain a sense of trust and security from you. Every child will have his/her
own rhythm through this process. Take a deep breath and relax. When your child
approaches you during this phase, smile and encourage them to continue their
activity. Sometimes, assuring them that you are here can also be helpful.
2. Have a conversation about it: When your
child approaches you during or after their activity at pre-school, or during
play in the playground, have a conversation with them about their activity and
how they are feeling about it. If you find that your child is particularly
upset during certain activities, offer to go and play with them for a while.
You can also continue the same activity at home and help your child to feel
more comfortable around the activity.
3.
Use a transitional object: Sometimes
giving your child a transitional object (an object that represents trust and
security for your child) can also be helpful. Having an object that reminds the
child that you are around will help the child in settling into new routine and
new social environment.
4. Technology can help: A unique way to
help your child feel comfortable in new situations, especially a new pre-school
or any social environment, is to use photographs and videos. When your child is
in a new preschool or starts out at a new play space, having photographs and
videos of them doing activities there may be helpful in creating a conversation
around the new situation. When your child is able to see the photographs and
videos later on, they will be able to create more familiarity with the new
space and may start feeling more safe in the new environment.
The most important thing is that you are fully
present with your child during this phase. The key is to help your child feel
safe and more confident in new situations and to not rush them.
Please contact us any time if you would like some support in this area for your child and/or yourself.
Posted by
Kratika Choudhary, Advanced Clinical Intern
