There are several ways parents can help children get through the emotional difficulty and confusion of divorce and make sure they are not caught in the crossfire:
- Maintain open, honest, age appropriate communication (talk about the divorce and answer the child's questions in an age appropriate way without giving un-necessary detail)
- Allow for the child to ask questions and offer repeated opportunities for discussion
- Allow for feelings and do not judge or make light of them (“I see you’re upset” vs. “Don’t be upset”; “I know this is hard for you” vs. “You’ll get over it”), reflect on and model feelings; help the child describe feelings using colors/shapes or how things feel in the body
- Allow for many opportunities for the child to express him/herself
- Point out and describe the behaviors and emotions you see in the child (child may not always respond but is listening and knows you understand how he/she feels)
- Provide reassurance to the child that he/she is loved and will always be taken care of
- Reassure the child that he/she still has a family
- Look through baby photos with child – talk about how much the child was wanted and enjoyed
- Read stories about marital discord or divorce
- Tell stories about other kids going through the same things; normalize feelings
- Keep creative art supplies handy and encourage drawing, building, painting, crafting, etc.; especially beneficial for non-verbal children
- Know that the child may need extra comfort, patience, and attention
- Be the grown up; parents need to stay in charge (do not let guilty feelings get in the way of maintaining boundaries and parenting standards)
- Give the child a say in how certain things are handled with the divorce (e.g., visitation) – ask for input, where appropriate - but take responsibility for the final decisions
- Provide structure, consistency, and predictability at both homes; routines help children feel safe
- Use a color coded calendar, created with the child, to help reduce confusion and anxiety about where the child will be when
- Support the other parent and make it easy for the other parent to have a good relationship with the child, provided it is safe
- Make it easy for the other parent to know what is happening with the child
- Both parents should participate in the child’s life (school work, activities, etc.)
- Try to acknowledge the good in the other parent; do not talk down
- Never threaten the child with abandonment
- Do not require child to take sides
- Make sure child knows he/she does not have to choose
- Give the child permission to love the other parent
- Allow the child to take things back and forth between homes
- Let important others know about the situation (family, friends, teachers)– affords support to the child and sets a good example
- Know and respond to danger signals (e.g., child behavior problems, emotional withdrawal and other changes in mood or relationships)
- Keep kids out of the middle when communicating with the other parent; no messages sent through the child
- Go directly to the other parent for information and answers
- Do not bad mouth the other parent in the child’s presence
- Do not participate in the child’s angry feelings about the other parent
- Encourage the child to speak about his/her difficulties with the other parent to that parent
- Do not ask the child about the other parent’s life or circumstances Do not ask the child to keep secrets
Sources:
Lanksy, V. (1998). It’s not your fault Ko-ko
bear. Book Peddlers:
Minnetonka, MN
Ricci, I. (1997). Mom’s house, dad’s house: Making two
homes for your child.
Fireside Book: New York
